John Phillip Bogulski & Tarrah Lee Curtis

Death Cab For Cutie – “What Sarah Said”

I listened to Death Cab a lot during my 2nd semester of freshman year when I the newness of college had worn off, and I realized my social awkwardness was getting in the way of me actually being happy. “Plans” to me is an amazing album. It makes me feel depressed as hell, but also gives me a tinge of hope. This particular song, I always liked but didn’t really pay attention to the lyrics. Most likely because there was a character on the show I made in college named Sarah. But also, I often don’t pay attention to lyrics because I let the mood of a song dictate feelings, memories, etc. I don’t think I actually sat down and paid attention to the lyrics of this song until around 2013, and that’s when I realized it’s about the death of someone you love, and not in a hidden way. It straight up says it. Still, a line at the very end struck me. It’s very simple and though I didn’t know it at the time, also very true. That line being: I’m thinking of what Sarah said/That love is watching someone die. A lot of the lyrics are very poetic and real, but it’s hard not to be drawn to that one in particular. Considering my mom was sick with cancer when I actually heard the lyrics for the first time, it hit me pretty hard. The next year, as it was clear it was getting towards the end and my sister and I were looking for a hospice for her and getting her an oxygen tank, along with all of those other painful details, I couldn’t help but think of this song. Soon after, my mom ended up dying in her bed, and there I was watching my mother die. Afterwards that day and the next day, I listened to this song over and over and cried every tear I had in me. But I kept replaying it. For some reason I needed to hear it. In a weird way, it helped me grieve. Watching someone slowly take their last breaths is hard to see, and this song somehow helped me be okay with it. It might be I was just looking to latch on to anything to make me feel better, but I do think this song did actually help me. After all, the song states that “love is watching someone die.” Which even though I thought that line was powerful before, it wasn’t until I actually experienced what it was talking about that I truly understood it. It was a painfully hard experience watching someone who was so important to me leave this world, but being there for her in that moment really was the ultimate act of love. Oddly, I still really like hearing this song, and it doesn’t bring me to tears. It makes me remember her and remember the way she left this world: not as a tragic thing, but in a way that reminds me that I was able to be there for her, which will always be incredibly grateful for. And okay, sometimes it still makes me cry.